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i had a still birth [Jun. 9th, 2005|01:31 pm]
The Teen Miscarriage Community
[mood |crushedcrushed]

I am 16 years old. And today marks one month since i lost my son. This is the story of how my boyfriend (john) and i lost our son:

We went to the doctor for our 20 week check up for an ultrasound. Well during my visit, the nurse couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. This was a regular occurrence since hes an active little thing. Anyway they had to do an ultrasound to see the heartbeat and when they did, they saw a cystic mass in the baby's abdomen and his bladder was enlarged. Our amniotic fluid was low and so they scheduled a level 2 ultrasound. We went for that one and the doctor told us that there was no amniotic fluid and that our baby was going to die and there was nothing we could do about it. They offered to terminate the pregnancy, but he still had a heartbeat and was moving around still (even though it was very faint since there was no fluid.) Theres no way, we held on to what little hope the doctors left for us. They scheduled a second opinion with the head of the department that i went that Monday and they put amniotic fluid in there they said they dont know if it will help any but its worth a try! Well I was cramping from the bladder taps and with the second bladder tap they "installed" 1 liter of saline into my uterus. I was uncomfortable to say the least. When I woke up on Friday, I still had the crampy felling, but I stuck it out thinking it was from the procedures. We went to the doctor and the cramps had gotten progressively worse throughout the days. I was almost a centimeter dilated and the doctor said that it was pointless to stop labor since I had gone into it myself and my baby had a zero chance at survival due to the kidney failure and urinary obstruction. We didn't want to stop it anyway because we knew it was in God's hands. The doctor prescribed Vicodin for pain and said when the contractions got too intense to call the doctor and go to the hospital. (He only gave me vicodin since there was little damage it could do to the baby considering the probable outcome...besides it didn't help with the pain anyways.) At 12 pm we (john and i) They checked me and I was only 1 1/2 centimeters, but I really didn't want to give birth at home obviously! They admitted us and they gave me morphine for pain (again it doesn't really help with contraction pain, it does take the edge off but you can still feel everything.) It made me throw up twice, the second time I was on the toilet and I felt the baby move down a lot, when I got back up I had a strong urge to push. john called the nurse and the baby was ready to be pushed out. We waited for the doctor, and my angel was born at 21 weeks...on April 9, 2005. Christopher Logan White, weighed only 1 lb. 7 oz. and was only 9 1/2 inches long. he was born at 2:36 pm and lived for 44 minutes. The doctor was surprised he tolerated labor at all, when he came out the doctor said that there was no sign of life but the nurses found his heartbeat. he passed away in john's arms. When we found out things were wrong, we had started praying for a miracle. It wasn't until after he was born that I realized that he was the miracle, the fact that he was alive when he was born and we got to hold him and tell him that we love him. His presence brought peace instead of the huge sorrow I had expected...as we held him we just looked in awe at his perfect little body. he never opened his eyes or cried, but he knew that I am his mom and that I love him. the doctor recommended a week of bed rest. this is really hard! im sorry! i just dont understand what i did wrong this time! i did everything the doctors told me and now all i have to show for it, is another miscarriage and another baby that i will never get to hold!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is the second death of a child i've had. i lost another pregnancy at 3 months pregnant but its not as hard as this one because i actually held chris and i had him, and then he was gone. i have nightmares about him everynight it scares me!

[User Picture]From: shona
2005-06-09 09:54 pm (UTC)
That is so upseting, i am so sorry you had to go through that.
my love is with you and your parent.
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From: blue_moon07
2005-06-10 02:15 pm (UTC)
thank you... my mom never knew the only person that knew was john and my best friends. she didnt know about either pregnancy's or that i might be pregnant again.
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[User Picture]From: jennsbaby
2005-06-10 05:14 am (UTC)
Wow. That's alot for a 16 year old to go through. I say that being only 17. That'd be alot for me to go through. I miscarried at about 3 months. I couldn't imagine how it'd feel to loose a baby as far along as you were. That must be aweful. I suppose at that time your baby however had full rights (cermony, birth certificate...ect)
Anyway I hope you find the comfort you need here with other girls your age who have gone through simular experiences.

I'm sending you happy thoughts and wishes.
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From: blue_moon07
2005-06-10 12:19 pm (UTC)


its hard i miss him so... much i see him in my dreams at night. it ruined the relationship between john and i we broke up and now hes leaving for college. this is the second one i've lost. the first was at three months also and yes he was real he had the certificate, ceremony all of it! he was here in real life and then just like that snatched. his little fingers and hands and feet were perfect! he was perfect! my angels are watching over me though
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[User Picture]From: akgothbitch
2005-08-18 12:36 am (UTC)
im so sorry to hear about this.
i almost couldn't read it b/c I started tearing up and I'm at work.
I myself have lost 2, both at about 3 months.
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